The phone call that changed his life arrived 11 years ago.
His daughter had taken her own life; she was now being supported by life-sustaining machines.
He hurried to her hospital room, but soon, the moment arrived when the machines would be switched off.
The father rested his hand on his daughter’s chest, felt her heartbeat, and urged her to hold on.
Her heart beat slower and slower until it ultimately ceased.
She was gone.
The emotional weight crashed down on him like a heavy vehicle, deepening the sorrow he had carried since another tragic loss 14 years prior. He and his brother had discovered their father, a Vietnam War veteran, who died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
In a recent interview, the 54-year-old suicide prevention case manager with the Department of Veterans Affairs vividly recounted his painful journey, which included battling cancer while facing a new crisis of his own.
The world he sought refuge in—returning to school at 46 to become a social worker focused on suicide prevention for veterans—was now in disarray.
Like the approximately 2 million employees working across the federal government, he is witnessing his colleagues and the veterans he strives to assist lose their jobs or endure a relentless stream of messages suggesting that federal workers lack value—often coming straight from the president and those he has empowered.
The White House has not responded to a request for comment.
“When you find purpose in life and you’ve discovered your calling, then suddenly it’s being dismantled—you lose all hope,” said the suicide prevention manager, his voice trailing off. He, like others quoted in this piece, requested anonymity for fear of backlash. “I feel pain for everyone affected by it. It’s hard to admit, but I work in suicide prevention and I’ve had thoughts. I’ve thought about not wanting to be here anymore.”
NBC News spoke with 20 federal employees from various agencies. Across the nation, these workers either lost their jobs, witnessed colleagues losing theirs, or faced what felt like a giant trampling over a David. In interviews, many—veterans among them—spoke of immense stress, personal crises, thoughts of suicide, dramatic weight loss, extended insomnia, panic attacks, and visits to emergency rooms following mental health breakdowns.
They are under siege from multiple directions, some sharing screenshots with reporters of hurtful messages received via text and social media, echoing misinformation amplified by billionaire Elon Musk on his X platform—claiming that federal employees are inept, a source of waste and fraud, and that they neglect their jobs.
Particularly infuriated are those who have served in the military or work with veterans, feeling disrespected by Musk and a president who has never worn a military uniform. Former president Trump, whom some had supported, even shared a disparaging meme about federal employees on his Truth Social account, featuring the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants with a list.
It read, “Got done last week,” apparently referring to Musk’s demand for federal workers to email five accomplishments from their jobs. “Cried about Trump. Cried about Elon. Made it into the office for once. Read some emails. Cried about Trump and Elon some more.”
Sarah Boim, 38, who was laid off from her position with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, said her despair led her therapist to suggest she seek a psychiatrist and start antidepressants. She mentioned her family is struggling to pay their mortgage on one income and she is eager to find employment.
“Having your career torn away without the means to move ahead is devastating,” Boim stated. “I have bipolar disorder. An episode could disrupt my life completely. So we’re just trying to tread carefully. I’m hearing similar worries from across the agency.”
“I anticipated there would be reorganization, but I didn’t foresee this level of disorder,” Boim added. “Employing a blunt approach and having an unelected billionaire in my inbox is absurd. What validates his authority in this?”
Some who supported Trump expressed regret for believing in his promise to oppose Project 2025, which co-author Russell Vought indicated aimed to “traumatize” federal employees. Upon taking office, Trump appointed Vought to lead the Office of Management and Budget, a significant position.
“Our goal is to make bureaucrats feel traumatized,” Vought said in a speech prior to the Nov. 4 elections. “We want them to wake up not wanting to go to work because they feel increasingly vilified.”
As of now, they feel Vought is accomplishing his objective.
A Department of Defense employee who completed two tours in Iraq revealed his post-traumatic stress disorder was triggered to the extent that he sought help from a suicide hotline and then went to an emergency room at a veterans hospital. He described a sense of tremendous frustration and outrage among peers after Musk’s relentless mockery, which he felt was supported by Trump—a source of amusement for the distress faced by his own workforce.
The employee noted his crisis emerged during the weekend Musk gleefully wielded a chainsaw at a conservative conference. Concurrently, employees received an overwhelming amount of communications from Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), including termination notices and confusing emails often contradicted by supervisors.
“It’s not just about the layoffs. It’s about the ongoing dehumanization of who we are and what we do,” he stated, sharing that he had supported Trump for his achievements during his initial term. Now, he feels guilty about his vote after witnessing colleagues and fellow veterans in distress at the emergency room. “We don’t do this for recognition; we do it to serve our country and community. We enter public service not for financial gain but to be a part of something much larger than ourselves.”
Katherine Freeman had been employed for 10 months as an administrative assistant at the CDC, specializing in tuberculosis when she received a mass email stating that she had been fired due to performance issues. She had consistently received positive reviews and was advocating for a promotion.
“Getting a generic letter that feels like a template without even my name was such a shock. It was just attached to an email,” Freeman explained. “To inform high-performing employees they’re being dismissed for poor performance, with no severance, is a cruel way to treat staff. That’s what has upset many.”
“Everyone acknowledges that the government must lessen its expenditures, and we understand this. But if you’re going to initiate layoffs, should you not do so with some level of respect?”
One recently terminated VA worker, a mother of three young children, mentioned that her colleagues are succumbing to despair.
“It raises questions about the future, in general. What kind of world will our children inherit?” she reflected. “Many feel, ‘It’s not just my life at stake, but my children’s lives as well. What’s ahead for us?’”
Another VA worker, who served more than a decade in the Navy, spoke about losing 20 pounds within a month and experiencing hair loss. She, like many, described Musk and Trump’s actions as mocking and provoking feelings of helplessness and rage. Reaching her limit, she reached out to a suicide hotline for assistance.
“Serving veterans is my life’s purpose. They rely on me. They need someone who understands on the other end of the line,” she asserted. “I would be devastated if they terminated my position.”
While none of the employees opposed trimming excess, many characterized the actions unfolding in their agencies as chaotic and indiscriminate—like hastily shoving items off a sinking ship without considering their contents. Some warned that abrupt dismissals would leave critical programs hanging, like those assisting farmers or facilitating trade for small businesses.
“Like so many government employees I’ve talked to, it’s my damn mission to aid struggling veterans. Please quote me on that,” the VA suicide prevention manager implored. “Not one person has been able to, to my face, justify calling my job unnecessary. I simply describe my role and ask them: What part of my job involves waste or fraud?”
The defense employee, responsible for upgrading technology on Navy vessels, expressed that the relentless criticism of federal workers has made him contemplate leaving for the private sector for a larger salary. However, he recalled needing federal assistance during an Army tour in Iraq, when his unit required armored reinforcement on a Humvee. A federal employee provided that crucial support.
“Now I have the chance to support sailors in the Navy. I’m working to prepare them to confront Chinese aggression regarding Taiwan,” the defense worker explained. “I won’t quit; I won’t surrender. Because if I do, I’m abandoning not just my country, but the sailors and warfighters who could face tremendous danger because of my absence.”
“That’s what many of us hold onto: our purpose and the reasons behind it, which transcend this petty political spectacle. This is about people’s lives.”
If you or someone you know is struggling, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at 988lifeline.org. Additional support can be found at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources.
