For many partners, finances represent more than mere figures — they signify authority, safety, and personal identity. For some, they also conceal secrets.
A recent survey conducted by Bankrate.com revealed that 40% of adults in the U.S. with a live-in partner have engaged or are involved in financial infidelity. Younger generations are particularly prone to such secrecy, with 67% of Gen Z respondents admitting to at least one instance of financial deception, compared to 54% of millennials.
What type of secrets are they keeping? Thirty-three percent admit to spending beyond their partner’s comfort level, while 23% have accumulated debt unbeknownst to their partners. Others may have hidden credit or savings accounts.
However, maintaining certain privacy is not inherently financial infidelity, according to Avigail Lev, founder and director of Bay Area CBT Center. “Being discreet about your financial transactions is simply a matter of privacy,” she stated.
Yet, “having agreements with your partner regarding financial use while purposely hiding that information — the act of lying or deceiving — constitutes financial infidelity,” she emphasized.
Financial issues are among the top reasons for divorce, yet many couples find it challenging to engage in honest discussions about money. “A lot of couples don’t delve into their financial histories and beliefs, resulting in misunderstandings and resentment. Without open conversations, secrets can grow, and financial infidelity can damage trust — similar to emotional or physical betrayal,” explained Melissa Murphy Pavone, a certified financial planner and founder of Mindful Divorce Partners.
Given the significant implications, money shouldn’t be considered a taboo subject. So, why do couples struggle with straightforward communication about finances? How can they prevent monetary issues from jeopardizing their relationship, and how should they move forward after trust has been compromised?
The Reasons Behind Financial Infidelity
What could prompt someone who deeply cares for you to be dishonest about finances? According to survey participants, the primary motivations included a desire for financial privacy or a need to control their personal finances. Some preferred not to share funds, while others felt embarrassed about their financial management.
“People often find it hard to be honest about money due to the vulnerabilities honesty exposes,” said Kevin Shahnazari, CEO of FinlyWealth.
“Sometimes guilt or fear plays a role — worrying that their partner might disapprove of certain purchases or that past financial mistakes could drive them away,” noted Emily Luk, a certified financial planner and co-founder of Plenty, a couple-oriented money management tool. “In other cases, it’s about avoiding conflict or maintaining peace. If one partner fears judgment over their spending habits, they might believe it easier to hide credit card statements than to engage in a difficult discussion.”
Couples can have differing financial personas and values: one may be a spender, while the other is a saver. Moreover, money can symbolize power, control, security, or even relate to past financial trauma, mental health challenges, substance use, or gambling issues, according to Joy Slabaugh, a certified financial planner and financial therapist, who founded the Financial Conflict Resolution Institute.
Her clients share numerous stories. “One person bought numerous clothes but concealed them because the couple had agreed to a ‘no buy’ month; another secretly supported an ex-partner financially; and a third claimed a first-class upgrade was paid with miles when it was actually bought outright.”
How to Avoid Money-related Issues
Open communication is crucial in any relationship, especially regarding finances. Lisa Atkinson, a financial adviser with Tucson Federal Credit Union, suggests that couples prioritize transparency. “Set aside regular times to discuss finances in a calm, judgment-free space, or have an initial meeting with a financial adviser.”
Foster a no-blame atmosphere to easily address financial issues. “Approach monetary discussions with empathy rather than accusations to foster honesty.”
Create a joint financial plan. “Establish mutual goals and budgets that both partners participate in and review collaboratively. It’s vital for both to feel at ease with the process,” she advises.
Teamwork is essential. Utilizing financial tools together — such as budgeting apps, shared spreadsheets, and joint accounts — helps facilitate transparency.
What to Do if You Discover Financial Infidelity
When trust is compromised, there are emotional scars. In the Bankrate survey, 38% of respondents felt that keeping financial secrets from a partner is as damaging as physical infidelity, with 7% believing it to be worse.
Yet, there is a road to trust restoration, says Pavone. “Recovering from financial infidelity necessitates openness, patience, and possibly professional assistance.”
Aligning on financial matters is crucial for a couple’s overall success. “The sooner couples confront their financial fears together, the more resilient their relationship will become,” Pavone concluded.
